sdvanaleigh

Death and Dieing

In Uncategorized on December 7, 2009 at 8:11 am

I am so totally confused, I am a ball of emotions. Dec 5, 2009 marked the day of great loss in my life. I lost my Auntie, and though knew that her death was near I hadn’t expected it to be so soon. I don’t know what I had expected but I didn’t think she would leave at the drop of a dime. Today I fell, guess I had been holding all my emotions inside so well that they made my legs give way and I dropped to the floor in my bedroom sobbing uncontrollably. I know that she is in a better place and that she’s not hurting anymore but I just cant seem to let go of her here. It’s like that scene in the hospital was all a bad dream, like I didn’t walk into Sentara General and find her dead on an ER bed with her eyes wide open and my cousin sobbing at her side. All I could think of was “is this real? Am I really here?”. Before I could get back to the room my uncle was storming out telling me SDV I think we just lost her man, I think she’s gone. I walked swiftly back behind the emergency doors to room 19 where the doctor was trying to close her eyes and my cousin was at her side tears streaming down his face talking on his cel phone. I tried to hug him but he didn’t want me to, I immediately apologized afterward not sure what I was thinking when I tried to embrace him. When he shunned me off I backed up and I just stood there for a while hoping to see her blink or part her lips to mumble maybe even give us a smirk as if she were saying “gotcha!” but none of that happened. Inside there was just this blank stare in her eyes as she looked up at the ceiling and thats when I began to cry. No sobs, no wimpers, no screams or gasps for air, just a stream of single tears because she was gone. And now I don’t know what to do or how to feel, I thought I was lost before but I think I’m truly lost now. She was the only Aunt I’ve ever had, she was like my mother she was a bestfriend. She was there for me when I was so depressed I couldn’t leave my house. She made me laugh, she made me cry, she made me good food, she taught me alot. She is a huge part of me, she is me. I was her Ms. D.

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