I’ve Been M.I. A

Yeah this week and last week was my vacation from life sort of lol be back with more soon enough. Brief updates, I am on a dating hiatus until further notice. The guy I was dealing doesn’t know what the hell he wants so in short I can no longer roll with the punches at the expense of my feelings being murdered. So over that! As for other things I am over…people in general! Starting to realize how much a “woe is me” magnet I am, people always come to me with their problems but I never get the favor returned, so yeah I’m super over that shit too!

New phrase “I don’t give a shit, tell someone who does!”

SDV

my eye are closed cause i'm trying to block them out!

Not Missing

just when you think you have nothing left and are so done with what you have, things come right side up and life breaths back into you

thought i might regret every moment i made a mistake and then learned to love my mistakes, learned to love the me i forget about at times

its imperative that in my existence things flake and fall off in order for me to see the good i need to get through the mush

i cant say that now everything is perfect but what i can say is that im breathing when just a few weeks ago i felt like God had sucked the purest life out of my soul. when humanity closed his door in my face and shut me down sending on me on an emotional shooting star burning so hot i was busting at the seams with tears on every turn. but im here and i made it through what surely could have broken me, though i am strong i never thought id feel as low as i have for the pass few weeks. not knowing which end of life was up and which was down. i forgot that things must be turned upside down for them to be right side up in my small corner of the world and i am who i am for all that i was. learning is most certainly a virtue even when it hurts the most and i’m learning and ever grateful for being able to. i dont know that this is true for everyone but sometimes things have to be ripped from you in order for you to see the good and the love in everything and though i may be more emotional now i am my truest self when my emotions erupt. i say erupt because thats just what they do….when im the happiest im all over the place feeling the space around me with a crazy energy of blissfully stupid happiness for no apparent reason.

i’m just grateful that through everything, every test and moments where i’m broken and praying endlessly for repair things come full circle upside down but right side up for me.

SDV

At Night

Sitting here well laying here I cried just a little bit more tonight and again I don’t know why. I’m missing the me that used to be just blissfully happy for no apparent reason. I used to teach that child like happiness to others but now I don’t, I seem to have lost that sparkle. It’s hard being me these days not knowing what direction I’m traveling in from the next and I wish someone could just fix it. I wish someone could just turn on the lights as I feel like I’m wrestling with myself in the dark. Part of me feels so batter and bruised not wanting to go on, feel like I’m slipping back to that place of not wanting to get out of bed in the morning and not wanting to leave my house. A few months ago I did that very thing I woke up everyday and did nothing spoke to no one just laid around in my house or in my bed mostly all day. Guess thats how I gained the 10 or 15lbs I’m trying to work off now. I can’t keep myself motivated long enough to do anything, now I wake up may go work out at the gym come home have lunch and get dressed for work. I make myself look good although I don’t feel good. Back hurts necks sore insane headaches from time to time I just don’t know anymore. And to make matters worst my rock i.e. mother is not here. She’s a million miles away and I suspect that now is when I would need and do need her the most. I am simply falling apart and cracking open at ever seam.

God help me I can’t do this, not like this, not anymore…

SDV

I’ve Neglected You

        

 

    Ok so I’ve been m.i.a for a while now. Guess I’m just doing too much working out over here. Well actually that’s not true I went out of town and took a break from the internet so now I’m back and just as frustrated as before so here’s what’s been up.

 

    For those of you that don ‘t know…I live at home with my parents right now it’s just more economical to do so considering the financial issues our country is in these days and the lack of jobs out there. Well when you live at home there are bound to be a number of mishaps and I’ve had my share of those. Most recently my father has been home since before Christmas and has decided to do every home care project you can think of and at first it wasn’t so bad granted he was getting on my nerves truly but I got used to it and we moved past the initial bumps. But now he has dismantled my bathroom which was a big deal because I asked him not to do that to begin with. But apparently my mother has asked him to paint all the rooms in the house and my bathroom was next on his list…well long story short he had to sand the walls down or something like that to prime the walls for the paint. Instead of removing all of my things he sanded the walls with my shit still in the bathroom so everything was covered in white stuff, ordinarily that wouldn’t have been a big deal for the average person maybe more of an annoyance than anything. Well for me it’s not like that, I’ve come to realize as I’ve gotten older I have become a bit OCD when it comes to my bathroom stuff. First I have sensitive skin and second all my shit was removed from the bathroom and all over the hallway so I couldn’t find what I was looking for which was totally annoying not to mention that my towel rack is now broken too! It was so bad that I couldn’t even go into my bathroom without getting absurdly angry and I say absurd because it was to be honest but I couldn’t help it I was just so frustrated, just to look at the mess made my head hurt. I wasn’t able to take a shower for like two days because of the mess he made and then to make matters worse I had to clean up his mess…wtf! I blew a gasket when he let me in on his plan; I’d come back from my daily gym visit all sweaty and ready to shower only to find that I couldn’t. Ooooh I was hot so I called my boo or who I thought was my boo to vent about my frustrations. He was too busy being wrapped up in the stupidity of the people he hangs with so I barely listened and when he recapped the story I told him he’d better find new friends. Finally it was my turn to talk so I told him all about why I was so upset and he listened “thank god”, but apparently he wasn’t the only one listening my father was too and came busting up in my damn room to notify me of that all while on the phone with someone else. Now what if I was standing there butt ass fucking naked wtf?! From that point we proceeded to have somewhat of an argument about why I was upset and venting to someone else on the phone, wtf!! Completely pointless, it’s like with him I don’t have a right to be mad about anything I’m ever upset about because he doesn’t get it and what I told him then was that he didn’t need to understand that wasn’t his job and I wasn’t asking him too! Shit I wasn’t even talking to him in the first place so wtf?! I need to live by myself so desperately but unfortunately for me I can’t really afford to do so. Events like this make me hate my life!

 

SDV

Here’s a Thought…

Today sitting at work I found myself breezing through some of my new fav’s…bloggers, and I realized somethings about myself. I spend about 90% of my day in front of a computer mostly surfing the internet, specifically reading blogs about this and that. In the middle of all my readings I came back to a statement I made to a friend a few days ago and it got me to thinking.

Late Sunday night during a deep conversation with KJ I said that I have an addictive personality so when I start something I have to finish it. It’s this compulsion in me to see everything I start through til the end. I said that I wished I had never gone to college or that I shouldn’t have gone to college because with my addictive personality I have this compulsion to get through it even if it seems pointless, leaves me frustrated, confused and leaping from university to university. Which makes me ask the question I once had the answer to,  is college for everyone? I have to say no because at this point it is apparently not for me as I am starting to see. But I feel so obligated to finish I’ve been at this hustle for so long I can’t see quitting now. So what do I do? Pay back all those damn school loans and have not a thing to show for it, yeah somehow I don’t see where that would be acceptable. But I guess the argument there is, what is acceptable to me? And on this matter I have no honest answer because just as soon as I say let’s quit I feel inadequate and that’s not a feeling I like to sit with. So what do I do? I’ve taken time off more times then I’d like to admit I’ve worked in the working world but hell without that piece of paper which indicates that I can be taught my ass is grass and I am headed no where fast! I’m not one to like living check to check so I don’t intend to, I’m against a trillion odds should I try to win the lotto, and I’m not for working a job that I hate because when you hate your job it is so draining having to show up everyday not to mention how it can help to make you feel as if you’re loosing your mind as I do on most days…lol. But what the buck do I do?

I know, I know you’re probably saying find something you like and delve into that, but my issue is that I like so many things I don’t know where to start.

Why is it that starting is always the trouble? Hopefully with 2008 coming to a close I’ll get the answers I seek come 2009.

sdv

Waking Up Is Hard To Do

How do you wake up everyday and have nothing to wake up to? I find myself asking the very same question everyday. I guess I’m just really lost and totally confused, I hate my job as most do and I’m not loving my program for school but what do I do? So it’s hard to wake up everyday without having answers to these questions. There are so many things I want to do but I feel like I’m stuck…I live in a place that doesn’t allow me to feel free I miss my friends I love my family but I’m not happy. I’m stuck here in the middle or lost here in the middle because none of those people can bring clarity to my insanity. And not that I expect them too but damn I just wish for once I could get a little help. I know that this is all over the place but it’s a representation of my thoughts as they are never in one place…

Waking up is so hard to do because I don’t know what to do with my life. If I quit my program in school and start anew that prolongs my graduation but if I don’t then I’m stuck and frustrated because what I’m doing doesn’t make sense and I can’t seem to get any answers. I’m always so busy but with nothing to do so how is that possible? I guess because I’m locked away in my head turning over ideas a million miles a second and that alone should drive someone insane but I’ve been doing it so long it’s like breathing to me. And that’s why it’s hard to sleep…

How do you explain something to someone who you can’t make understand? My mom is trying to understand but she can’t and I can’t explain it to her, I don’t think I have the energy to even try. I don’t want to, what I do want is just for someone to hold me and say “hey look it’s going to be ok, you’ll get through this and things will be fine” and I want to really believe it too!

SDV ANALEIGH

clinically insane

Today I’ve come to the realization that I am just a little bit insane and I guess that everyone is in one way or another but right now I and truly on the brink of mental destruction. I can’t seem to pull it all together, had a conversation with one of my parents the other day and it seems as if the economic crisis has hit him as well and just sitting there listening for that short amount of time caused my chest to tighten my heart to start racing and my eyes to bug out. I was really having a mild anxiety attack I guess. No one ever said that living at home i.e. with your family would be this stressful its supposed to be easy, at least that was the general consensus. I’ve come to realize that it surely is not, not when I am lead to seeking out a therapist to help me get through this life. Something has got to give, and right now living here is more feasible for my pockets but damn! I love my family dearly but I just can’t take it I need a get away. But it’s whatever right? Yeah not so much!

SDV